The Stanley Pines Diary
by shadowfoxyboy
Summary: this will be purely be in the point of view of stan pines throughout every episode of gravity falls


The Stanford chronicles – chapter 1

I received a letter from my niece to say that my great grandkids were coming to stay. All summer, and I have to entertain them. Oh, joy. They got off the bus and I immediately decided that if they were going to be here, they were gonna have to put up with all of me. They're gonna work for me for free, whether they like it or not. Free labour bitch!

Thank God, child labour is legal in this part of the state.

My grandson Dipper was sitting by some tree writing in his journal or whatever when I decided to prank him, jumping up and scaring the crap out of the little fella by wearing a green monster mask. "Ahahahaha!" I laughed but unfortunately, it turned to hacking coughs. Totally worth the pain in my throat. I certainly ain't as young as I used to be. I strolled through my Mystery Shack thinking about all the attractions, the weird shit I scraped together the tourists just lap up. "Lades and gentlemen behold, the Sascrotch!" This setup is working so damn well for me. I'm finally making the big bucks!

Mabel touched my antler, so I struck her with my eight-ball cane. "Hey! Don't touch the merchandise!" I knew they would, but whatever.

I walk through the door and burp after a huge meal and probably too much soda...seeing Dipper and Mabel arguing about some stupid thing. "Oh, not good, ow!" now for the real reason I came here. "Look alive people! Go hang up these signs in a spooky part of the forest!" Putting off all the easy duties to the kids, way too tedious for me to do now I have all this free labour at my disposal. Hahaha.

"I'm out" Mabel quickly spurts out

"I'm in!" Soos called.

"Nobody asked you, Soos," I rolled my eyes. I did want the kids to do it, at least it's something to keep the little brats occupied. "Wendy I need you to put up this sign!" I call. Hell, I'm actually paying her and she;s just sitting there reading some dumb magazine. Get the most out the paid labour first, right? What the Hell am I paying for? She makes up some lame excuse. "I'd fire all of you if I could!" I threaten. "Eenie. meenie, miney, you!" I chose Dipper cause he probably; needs the workout. Damn noodle arms.

"Whenever I'm in those woods I feel like I'm being watched"

"Eh, this again," I pinch the bridge of my nose. I really don't need him snooping around this place. He could get himself hurt or worse. Gotta just pretend nothing's happening. Dipper insists that something is wrong in this town. "Today my mosquito bites spelled 'Beware!"

I look at his arm and deadpan. "That says 'Bawarb'" I groan. "Look, kid, the whole 'monsters in the forest thing' is just local legend drummed up my guys like me to sell merch to guys like that!" I point to some fat sweaty guy laughing at one of my bobbleheads. One of the locals actually, an idiot who thinks they follow the forest conspiracies. I'll give this guy a conspiracy or two that'll have him wetting his pants. "So quit being so paranoid!" I order. He just sighs.

While Dipper's away on his assignment I keep hauling off merch in the store consisting of doll parts being held together with bubble-wrap. Man people are so gullible sometimes.

I grab a can of soda from the fridge and head into the living room where Dipper is just sitting in some overstuffed chair. He's reading something and I can't have it being anything telling him too much about this place. "Whatcha reading there slick?" I ask, playing it cool. Turns out it's just one of my magazine 'Gold Chains For Old Men'.

"That's a good issue," I commend his choice of reading material. Mabel turns up with some guy.

"Hey family, say hello to my new boyfriend," She announces. New boyfriend. Great. Another damn thing to worry about round here.

"Hows it hanging?" I ask, unimpressed. Mabel and Dipper and her boyfriend - Norman I think? - talk bout...noraml stuff I guess. I just sit there reading my magazine, intrigued by the issue, re-reading it again cause it's just that good.

I;m standing in the bathroom fixing my tie when I hear Dipper call something from his room. "Crombie? That isn't even a word, your losing you're mind," I say to nobody in particular.

SOOS.

I go to flush my shit down the toilet and groan when it bubbles up. Thankfully I have some free labour for that too. "soos! The portable toilet's clogged again!" I call, and I hear him rushing towards me. Guy's like an eager puppy.

later that day:

I;m giving some presentation of RockFace, the rock that looks like a face! When I hear Dipper calling me, acting like a damn banshee running towards me, frantically calling me and looking like a scared puppy. Sime hillbilly guy asks

"Does it look like a rock?"

"No, it looks like a face," These guys are good for ripping off but it costs me more than money having to deal with these morons.

"Is it a face"

"No, it's a rock that looks like a face!" Aw jeez man I need a drink before I get hounded with more questions.

"For the fifth time, it;s not an actual face!"

A couple of hours later I'm doing another tour of the shack. holding up a swirly thing on a stick. Right, time to do the bit. "Behold, the world's most distracting object!" I announce, god this is cheesy. They are all so impressed and captivated, I love it. "Just try to look away, you can't! I can't even remember what I was talking about!"

I actually want...wait what was I talking about?

Soon Dipper and Mabel come in, looking ruffled up - "You guys get hit bu a bus or something?" I ask in confusion. hey, laugh awkwardly. NHuh. must be some teenage thing. I decide that whatever they've been doing, they had a rough day. So hey, I'm not made of stone! I can be kind too.

"Hye, I overstocked some inventory," I say. "So how about you each take one item from the gift store, on the house," Yeah, I'm really not good at this whole 'kindness' thing.

Mabel says. "Really?!"

"What'd the catch?"Dipper asks. Hey, can't a guy do something nice for his grandkids Damn ingrate?

"The catch is, do it before I change my mind. Now take something!

" Mabel is so happy and takes a grappling hook, Dipper takes a hat and looks at himself in the mirror, adjusting it on his head. Okay, I guess the hat really suits him I think.

"Wouldnt she rather have like, a doll or something?" I ask Dipper, gesturing to Mabel and her odd choice. She fires the hook at the ceiling and next thing I know she's hanging from the ceiling, laughing her little head off.

"Fair enough," I shrug.

I close the shop and Dipper and Mabel go to bed. I sigh, placing my hand in the vending machine. "Going to bed to start a new day, brother. Too many fools to rip off,"


End file.
